This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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