I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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