I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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