I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
