Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
why do cheetos always look like penises
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
