I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
