if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
