my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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