Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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