iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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