I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
