In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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