we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
