he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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