I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
