went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
