Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
