So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize