I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
