Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
