Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
