On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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