Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
