What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
