Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
