I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
