Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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