I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
