I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Non-Jews are for practice
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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