I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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