im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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