I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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