Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
