you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
