Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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