I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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