My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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