Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
