I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
