I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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