just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
