Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
