I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
