I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
