At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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