1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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