im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
