Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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