Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
