Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
