you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
