my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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