Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
