FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
