Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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