i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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