Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
